Tuesday, December 22, 2009

What is a spouse to do when you're in an asexual relationship for five years?

My husband and I have been together two and a half years, and married two and a half years. We have gone for five month at a time without intercourse or intimacy. He is not romantic at all. He always makes excuses for not being intimate. He has a controlling behavior and can be physically violent. He talks positive about other women although he tries to belittle me. He doesn't buy me gifts, but wants to constantly spend my money. Could you help me understand why he does this?What is a spouse to do when you're in an asexual relationship for five years?
Sorry to hear about this. This is NOT a healthy or happy marriage...and you know it!

Sounds to me like he is either very selfish, or abusive...Perhaps both!

When a man loves you, he wants you to be happy and he tries to help you out. A man who is violent and belittles you is not a good person.

And if he wants to use you and make you use your money but is not willing to spend his own...Why are you still with him篓?

Abusive men seldom- if ever - change.

Let me ask you a question my therapist asked me some time ago, when I was considering my divorce...';How many times must you hit a dog in order for it to become a cat?'; The answer is obvious...No matter HOW many times you hit it, it will NEVER turn into a cat.

The same thing happens in unhealthy relationships- like this one. You expect this man to change...but he won't. And the sooner you realize it, the better for you.

Once you can see that he will never change, you can decide if you want to continue wasting your time in a sad marriage...or not. Your life is yours to live, so do what is best for you now.

Good luck.


About abuse鈥?br>

How are you affected?

* Are you unable or afraid to make decisions for yourself?

* Do you do anything you can to please your partner or not upset him?

* Do you make excuses for your partner's behaviour?

* Are you forgetful, confused or unable to concentrate?

* Have you noticed changes in your eating, sleeping, alcohol or drug use?

* Have you lost interest or energy to do the things you used to?

* Do you feel sick, anxious, tired or depressed a lot of the time?

* Have you lost contact with your friends, family or neighbours?

* Have you lost self-confidence and feel afraid that you could not make it alone?

What can you do about it?

* Realize that emotional abuse is a serious problem and you can get help.

* Recognize that emotional abuse is as bad or worse than physical abuse.

* Take your own safety and the safety of your children seriously.

* Know that emotional abuse can lead to physical violence or death.

* Know that you are not to blame for your partner's abusive behaviour.

* Find people to talk to that can support you. Consider going for counselling.

* Do not give up if community professionals are not helpful. Keep looking for

* Someone that will listen to you and take emotional abuse seriously.

* Recognize that you have the right to make your own decisions, in your own time, and that dealing with any form of abuse may take time.

* Trust yourself and your own experiences. Believe in your own strengths. Remember that you are your own best source of knowledge and strength, and that you already have the tools you need to survive.

Where can you turn to?

* Women's help lines are for you too. Find the number in the front of your phone book.

* Shelters do accept women who are emotionally abused and have not been physically abused. The help line can refer you to the one nearest you. Use the Bell Relay Service if they do not have a TTY. If you have a disability, ask where there is an accessible shelter in your area.

* If you have been threatened with harm or death, or are being stalked (followed and harassed) by your partner or ex-partner, you can call the police. Dial 911, or if you are in a rural area, find out the emergency number.

* If you are considering leaving, especially if you have children, see a lawyer. In Ontario you can call, 1-800-268-8326, for referrals to a lawyer and be entitled to a free half-hour visit.

* Abused women are at the greatest risk of being harmed or killed when they leave. Ensure that you have a safety plan in place.What is a spouse to do when you're in an asexual relationship for five years?
A couple of things that you wrote %26amp; did ot write caught my attention:

1) ';but wants to constantly my money'; - vs our money, are you the primary provider in the household?

2) ';He...can be physically violent'; - violent as is pounding on the table or breaking something or does he strike or in other ways physically harm you?

3) You mentioned no positive qualities of this person.

The two of you have been together for five years is there anything that is positive about him or the relationship? During the two %26amp; a half years leading up to the marriage, was he the same as he is now, unromantic, controlling, belittling, %26amp; sometimes violent?

If he is physically violent towards you, I would suggest that you cut your losses immediately %26amp; end the relationship. If he is willing to get into counseling with you, find a good counselor %26amp; get started. Talking out the issues that you are having %26amp; allowing hin to share his feeling with you may go a long ways towards healing or resurrecting your relationship.
he only does to you what you allow him to...

physical abuse - he has no respect for you as a human being much less his wife... his partner %26amp; his equal

emotional abuse - it don't get much worse than this. do you have any respect for yourself left?

no romance or sexual relationship - if he weren't abusive, id say to sit down %26amp; discuss this w/him... once %26amp; a while... or even for months... i'd say i maybe could understand depending on his circumstance... but 5 years... are you 100% sure (%26amp; not just b/c you don't want to believe it), that he is not sleeping w/ANYONE else??? id be willing to bet he is...

even if he's not... he's no good... don't waste another day w/this loser for a husband!
Well if you let him spend your money its you fault for letting him. Maybe he is not sexually attracted to you or maybe he doesn't need sex as often as you would like. He could enjoy jerking it in the shower and has nothing left at or maybe he is seeing someone else.
hes cheating on u.... hes got to be geting it somwhere.... an y do u take that kind of abuse??? LEAVE HIM!!! hire a detective to get photos of him cheating to use for the devorce... get a restraing order agenst him... then take him to the cleaners....
you should not continue the marriage. he is abusive, uses you, and has sex with other women. it's obvious. he does it because you stay with him and allow him to do it
Gee? What are his good points again? It seems to me that you should move on. Don't accept violence or mental abuse as part of a healthy marriage. You need to start the steps necessary to leave this man.
he needs professional help. I would run for the door and file for a divorce and never look back. No one deserves this type of treatment.
Geez, this is like living on an Iceberg! How do you choose to stand it? Sounds like very serious commuincation issues
Because you put up with it. And stop letting him spend you money.
Leave him.
because you let him get away with it
Cause hes a jerk. Why do you put up with that?
what I don't understand is WHY you are with this loser?
Do you have children?

A lot of men, especially those from the more ';machismo'; heritage of Italian or Spanish/Latino descent, believe that wives are meant to be ';pure';, the essence of a perfect wife and friend and mother to their children, and in their minds having a sexual relationship with you actually demeans you as a whore.

Ironically, these kinds of men will then sleep around with other women who they treat as whores. It's their way of satisfying their sexual urges without having it tread on the sanctity of their marriage. It's almost like ';God is watching'; when they are in their own bedroom, but they can succumb to their devilish lusts outside their own.

It's insane, I know, but that's how they were culturally raised to think.

If that's not for you, then it's time to seek a divorce. This is clearly not the life you wanted, and it will not change -- EVER. Men who think this way CANNOT and WILL NOT EVER change their mindset. And if you force him to lust over you, it will actually backfire with violence. (You end up making him think of you as a whore, and then he begins furious that he married a whore instead of a perfect virginal vessel, and he takes it out on you.)

Your only other option is to accept this as the way it's going to be, and even come to expect that he will one day (if not already) find himself a whore to satisfy his alternative persona.

But it sounds like you're not looking forward to a life of masturbation and self-pleasuring. And he's not going to be the kind of guy who will let you share his sexual life. If that's the case, there's no other choice hon... it's time to seek a divorce.

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